Foamy: Okay, apparently you people are not getting the point! When I said 'This is the last Foamy fan-mail' I expected 'oh ok the letters will stop' they'll get it they'll listen to me, no apparently you people just don't get it.
You people don't understand that the idea gets stale after a while; you can't keep answering e-mails over and over and over!
Because the reason it gets stale is not because I'm not funny, it's because your e-mails are redundant.
I've separated all my e-mails here (3 piles of e-mails are in front of Foamy)
Pile one, the worst pile of all! This pile is just constant letters of wanting to see things naked in the cartoons.
This is the other pile which says I'm totally cool and I'm awesome and I kick ass, all very true-but what am I going to do? Respond to each one of them?
The third pile! Probably the most irritating pile - The pile where 'the fans' - the fans and their ideas! Stuff, you know story ideas where people want me to get a girlfriend or people want Germaine to get a boyfriend - now let me tell you something straight off about the girlfriend-boyfriend scenario:
1. It's predictable 2. Every time I've ever watched a cartoon and all of a sudden a 'significant other' is introduced to the main character's life the whole thing falls apart. Like a fucking shattered stained glass window in a church.
Let's make it as clear as day, that there will be no more Foamy fan mail, and here's how I do it, you see these letters
(Foamy appears with lighter fluid)
Wrreet! Lighter fluid! woo
(Foamy then holds a book of matches)
And what do we have here?
It's a fucking pack of matches!!! Wheee matches! Fire on a stick! Wohoo hoo hoo hoo!
(Foamy lights the match) Hut.
(A wall of flame envelopes around the room, except for Foamy)
There you go, see setting the place on fire! Ha ha!!
Burn, Burn! There is fire everywhere!
Why can't you people accept that!
You have invoked the squirrelly wrath that has destroyed the fan mail!
(END)
A sneer on your lip, but want in your eye.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Foamy Fanmail III
{{PG-13/R/NC-17}}
{The Warning screen appears.}
Foamy: Okay this is going to be the last "Foamy fan mail" I do. You want to know why? Because I'm sick of it, okay. I'm fucking sick and tired of these constant letters, of nonsense. So this is it, don't e-mail me anymore for any more Foamy Fan Mail because the fucking fan mail is fucking dead (Foamy hold a small squirrel which is thoroughly dead with a noose tied around its neck) Okay! Dead! Now this is the last one so I'm going to get straight to the letter so that you can fucking leave me alone! Okay. I just want to spend my weekends in a tree, hurling nuts at people. I don't want to have to come in here every Saturday morning to deal with your fucking fan mail, alright!
"Dear Foamy, I was disappointed with your last three cartoons. They weren't as good as the other cartoons and I keep waiting patiently for a cartoon to be good"
Oh-oh.. Great we've got fucking Siskel and Ebert here!
"Dear Ebert, Here's what you do with your two thumbs up; you stick them up your ass and die! Thanks for watching. Your lord and master, Foamy"
Alright, next letter
"Dear Foamy, I don't want to see the Goth chick naked, but I do however want to see you naked."
Eheheh (Foamy shudders) Okay, we're dealing with a sick fuck here!
"Dear squirrel-phile, You're the sickest bastard I have ever encountered in my entire life: 1) Squirrels are always naked. 2) Wanting to see squirrels is illegal in all 48 states with the exception of maybe Texas, and I think some other southern state. But if you live there, then it's okay. But if you're outside those legal boundaries, I'll have to call the squirrel-phile section of the FBI and they'll be at your door shooting you in the head. Thank you for your letter and thank you for watching YOU SICK FREAK, Your lord and master, Foamy"
I feel so dirty.
Dear Germaine.. Whoa, wo wo wo! (Scrunches up letter and throws in corner) This is "Dear Foamy" this is not "Dear Germaine" you want to fucking write her a letter, you write her a letter! I do not take her messages! Fucking bastards.
"Dear Foamy, In that cartoon '5 more minutes' did you ever get your bagel?"
What kind of stupid fucking question is this?!
"Dear Stupid Question Writer, None of your damn business"
Next Letter
"I don't know who you are but I saw this link on the website and I'm writing to you just for the sake of writing, hello. Hi my name is..." What the fuck? Man, they're all coming out of the woodwork today!
"Dear Misguided Youth, Stop randomly clicking on websites because you'll never know where you'll end up. Before you know it, you'll be having your mind warped by sick little cartoons and you don't need that. Signed, Your lord and master, Foamy"
Next Letter
Dear Foamy .. wha ree, forget it! That's it, that's all I'm doing no more fucking mail okay! I don't do no more fan mail! Get on with your life okay! Don't you people have fucking better things to do than write to a squirrel?! Write to your mother okay, she doesn't know where you've been!
{The Warning screen appears.}
Foamy: Okay this is going to be the last "Foamy fan mail" I do. You want to know why? Because I'm sick of it, okay. I'm fucking sick and tired of these constant letters, of nonsense. So this is it, don't e-mail me anymore for any more Foamy Fan Mail because the fucking fan mail is fucking dead (Foamy hold a small squirrel which is thoroughly dead with a noose tied around its neck) Okay! Dead! Now this is the last one so I'm going to get straight to the letter so that you can fucking leave me alone! Okay. I just want to spend my weekends in a tree, hurling nuts at people. I don't want to have to come in here every Saturday morning to deal with your fucking fan mail, alright!
"Dear Foamy, I was disappointed with your last three cartoons. They weren't as good as the other cartoons and I keep waiting patiently for a cartoon to be good"
Oh-oh.. Great we've got fucking Siskel and Ebert here!
"Dear Ebert, Here's what you do with your two thumbs up; you stick them up your ass and die! Thanks for watching. Your lord and master, Foamy"
Alright, next letter
"Dear Foamy, I don't want to see the Goth chick naked, but I do however want to see you naked."
Eheheh (Foamy shudders) Okay, we're dealing with a sick fuck here!
"Dear squirrel-phile, You're the sickest bastard I have ever encountered in my entire life: 1) Squirrels are always naked. 2) Wanting to see squirrels is illegal in all 48 states with the exception of maybe Texas, and I think some other southern state. But if you live there, then it's okay. But if you're outside those legal boundaries, I'll have to call the squirrel-phile section of the FBI and they'll be at your door shooting you in the head. Thank you for your letter and thank you for watching YOU SICK FREAK, Your lord and master, Foamy"
I feel so dirty.
Dear Germaine.. Whoa, wo wo wo! (Scrunches up letter and throws in corner) This is "Dear Foamy" this is not "Dear Germaine" you want to fucking write her a letter, you write her a letter! I do not take her messages! Fucking bastards.
"Dear Foamy, In that cartoon '5 more minutes' did you ever get your bagel?"
What kind of stupid fucking question is this?!
"Dear Stupid Question Writer, None of your damn business"
Next Letter
"I don't know who you are but I saw this link on the website and I'm writing to you just for the sake of writing, hello. Hi my name is..." What the fuck? Man, they're all coming out of the woodwork today!
"Dear Misguided Youth, Stop randomly clicking on websites because you'll never know where you'll end up. Before you know it, you'll be having your mind warped by sick little cartoons and you don't need that. Signed, Your lord and master, Foamy"
Next Letter
Dear Foamy .. wha ree, forget it! That's it, that's all I'm doing no more fucking mail okay! I don't do no more fan mail! Get on with your life okay! Don't you people have fucking better things to do than write to a squirrel?! Write to your mother okay, she doesn't know where you've been!
Foamy Fanmail II
{Foamy's laptop sits at a desk. Beside it are a moldy bagel and a soda, left in the same position they were in the first Foamy Fan Mail.}
Foamy: All right... {groans} You people and your fan mail. You know, I came out, I did the thing, and responded to some of your fan mail. And all of a sudden I get more mail, and everyone’s like, "I want to see another 'Foamy Fan Mail'!" {exasperated} So let’s just start, cut the crap, and get right to it! Okay? {reading and speaking} Dear Foamy: I would like this letter to be in a "Foamy Fan Mail". {speaks} Well there you go. {sarcastic} Oh, great, aren’t our goals really high. Don’t we have such high expectations of ourselves. Let me respond to this. {typing and speaking} Dear person clambering for attention: Your letter was in a "Foamy Fan Mail". Aren’t you proud of yourself. Your life goal has been met. You can go kill yourself now, because everything you do after this will amount to nothing. Thank you for writing, your lord and master, Foamy. {speaks, disgusted} Next letter. You know, squirrels aren’t even supposed to read, but I’m doing this as a favor. {reads and speaks} Dear Foamy: I live in Sweden and I watch your cartoons repeatedly, almost to the point of being nauseated. I like your cartoons and thank you. {speaks} Whoa-ho-ho, look at that. {types and speaks} Dear swiss miss: I thank you for your letter. I appreciate, also, the fact that your country puts out some half-way-decent musical bands. Unlike here, where we just keep producing the same swill, month after month! {exasperated} The fucking boy bands. all this other nonsense, I am getting so sick of this pop crap! Thank you for watching. Your lord and master, Foamy. {speaks} Ah, here we go another letter, another letter. Ah, maybe this one will be in English. {reads and speaks} Dear Foamy: I liked your first "Foamy Fan Mail". If you do another "Foamy Fan Mail", I don’t think it’s going to be as good as the first one. {speaks} All right. {types and speaks} Dear oracle: What do you think? Signed, your lord and master, Foamy. {speaks} All right, next letter! Next letter {beat noises} next letter. Next letter {beat noises}. {reads and speaks} Dear Foamy: You have been in a lot of cartoons, and I have still yet to see the Goth chick naked. {speaks} Whoa! I knew it was only a matter of time until I got one of those stupid "I have to see the goth chick naked" fucking letters, man! {flips auidence off}. I am so sick of this. {types and speaks} Dear horny maggot: I am so sick of your species looking at anything that has an ass. If you want to see naked cartoons, go to any Japanese animation site. Read my lips: the cartoon you are watching is not real. The goth chick in this cartoon does not exist. You are lusting over something that is non-existent. You can just jerk off in a comic book, for all I care. I hope you get a paper cut on your nuts and they fall off. How do you like that, you fucking freak? Signed, your lord and master, Foamy. P.S. Thank you for watching. {speaks} Do I have time left or am I just going to shoot myself because of everybody’s stu-pid-it-y? {reads and speaks} Dear Foamy: I liked that cartoon where you were singing and dancing. Please do it again. {typing and singing} Dear song boy: I am singing right now, but you don’t know it. Because I am typing in a computer; I’m answering your email. It’s just some text, but you don’t know the rest. 'Cause I’m singing, how do you like that? Signed, your lord and master, Foamy. P.S. Thank you for watching {beat noises}. {speaks} Okay, that’s all I’m doing, because anytime a sequel is done, it usually sucks, okay? And if this sucks, it’s your fault, not mine! You wanted to see it, not me! {offscreen} I hope you all get paper cuts.
{The Ending screen appears.}
Foamy: All right... {groans} You people and your fan mail. You know, I came out, I did the thing, and responded to some of your fan mail. And all of a sudden I get more mail, and everyone’s like, "I want to see another 'Foamy Fan Mail'!" {exasperated} So let’s just start, cut the crap, and get right to it! Okay? {reading and speaking} Dear Foamy: I would like this letter to be in a "Foamy Fan Mail". {speaks} Well there you go. {sarcastic} Oh, great, aren’t our goals really high. Don’t we have such high expectations of ourselves. Let me respond to this. {typing and speaking} Dear person clambering for attention: Your letter was in a "Foamy Fan Mail". Aren’t you proud of yourself. Your life goal has been met. You can go kill yourself now, because everything you do after this will amount to nothing. Thank you for writing, your lord and master, Foamy. {speaks, disgusted} Next letter. You know, squirrels aren’t even supposed to read, but I’m doing this as a favor. {reads and speaks} Dear Foamy: I live in Sweden and I watch your cartoons repeatedly, almost to the point of being nauseated. I like your cartoons and thank you. {speaks} Whoa-ho-ho, look at that. {types and speaks} Dear swiss miss: I thank you for your letter. I appreciate, also, the fact that your country puts out some half-way-decent musical bands. Unlike here, where we just keep producing the same swill, month after month! {exasperated} The fucking boy bands. all this other nonsense, I am getting so sick of this pop crap! Thank you for watching. Your lord and master, Foamy. {speaks} Ah, here we go another letter, another letter. Ah, maybe this one will be in English. {reads and speaks} Dear Foamy: I liked your first "Foamy Fan Mail". If you do another "Foamy Fan Mail", I don’t think it’s going to be as good as the first one. {speaks} All right. {types and speaks} Dear oracle: What do you think? Signed, your lord and master, Foamy. {speaks} All right, next letter! Next letter {beat noises} next letter. Next letter {beat noises}. {reads and speaks} Dear Foamy: You have been in a lot of cartoons, and I have still yet to see the Goth chick naked. {speaks} Whoa! I knew it was only a matter of time until I got one of those stupid "I have to see the goth chick naked" fucking letters, man! {flips auidence off}. I am so sick of this. {types and speaks} Dear horny maggot: I am so sick of your species looking at anything that has an ass. If you want to see naked cartoons, go to any Japanese animation site. Read my lips: the cartoon you are watching is not real. The goth chick in this cartoon does not exist. You are lusting over something that is non-existent. You can just jerk off in a comic book, for all I care. I hope you get a paper cut on your nuts and they fall off. How do you like that, you fucking freak? Signed, your lord and master, Foamy. P.S. Thank you for watching. {speaks} Do I have time left or am I just going to shoot myself because of everybody’s stu-pid-it-y? {reads and speaks} Dear Foamy: I liked that cartoon where you were singing and dancing. Please do it again. {typing and singing} Dear song boy: I am singing right now, but you don’t know it. Because I am typing in a computer; I’m answering your email. It’s just some text, but you don’t know the rest. 'Cause I’m singing, how do you like that? Signed, your lord and master, Foamy. P.S. Thank you for watching {beat noises}. {speaks} Okay, that’s all I’m doing, because anytime a sequel is done, it usually sucks, okay? And if this sucks, it’s your fault, not mine! You wanted to see it, not me! {offscreen} I hope you all get paper cuts.
{The Ending screen appears.}
{A laptop, a bagel, and a soda lie on a desk.}
Foamy: Okay. This cartoon is going to be dedicated to your fan mail. That’s right! I’ve been getting a lot of fan mail, and sometimes I feel the need to respond, in kind, to some of the nifty comments that I receive. So, let’s start with {holding letter} this one. {reading} Dear Foamy: Your last cartoon was disappointing. I think you could do a lot better, blah blah blah. Signed, some shmuck. {speaking} Well, here’s my response. {typing and speaking} Dear asshole: You can go fuck yourself, because I don’t give two shits what you think. If you got shot in the head today by your own mother, I wouldn’t care. I hope you grow up to have many children, and each one of them has his throat slit and have their guts taken out of their own body and smeared down your throat. How do you like that? What I find disappointing is your lack of creative sentence structure within your email. You are a poor example of a human being. Have a nice day, thank you for watching, and please come again. Sincerely yours, your lord and master, Foamy. {speaking, holds next letter} Next letter! {reading} Dear Foamy: Your cartoons are funny, and I like that goth chick. {speaking} Okay, well, it’s a short letter, and I appreciate it nonetheless. {typing and speaking} Dear short letter writer: Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it, and I wish nothing bad on you. Thank you, and please come again. Signed, your lord and master, Foamy. {speaking} Next Letter! {squeals} next letter! Oh yeah! {holding next letter} Okay, let’s see what we’ve got here. {reading} Dear Foamy: Your stories are stupid, I don’t like you, and how come that goth chick in your cartoons is never naked? {speaking} Well... {typing and speaking} Dear cock sucker: You are a complete moron for the following reasons. One, you have no sense of humor. Two, you want to see a person naked who doesn’t even really exist. It’s just a few frames of animation. Are you out of your mind? Are you completely stupid? {eyes grow wider} Are you living in a complete fantasy land where all you want to see is naked cartoons? Are you completely out of your mind? {eyes return to normal size} Signed, sincerely, your lord and master, Foamy the squirrel. {speaking} All right, let's see. {holds letter} This one had better be good. I’m getting sick of this. {reading} Dear Foamy: Let’s see, ya, blah blah blah blah... naked naked... {speaking} Why does everyone want to see this girl naked? Naked, naked, naked, naked, naked, throw out, throw out, {crumples letter and throws off screen} burn, burn, burn, burn, burn... {reading} Dear Foamy: Um, I live in a cave, and I still manage to see your cartoons via the “inter-web” via satellite, through my cell phone, delivered by camel.
{The view cuts to Cave Dweller in a cave.}
Cave Dweller: {points to laptop, voice echoing} This squirrel is so fucking funny!
{The view cuts back to Foamy.}
Foamy: {types and speaks} Dear Cave Dweller: I appreciate that you like my cartoons and hope that you find some suitable habitat to dwell in. Thank you for your letter. Your lord and master, Foamy. {speaks} Ah, all right, you know what? I’m done with this shit. You know, you people and your fan mail. You know I can’t please everybody, man! All right? Just leave me alone!
{The Ending screen appears.}
Cave Dweller: Oh, praise Allah! He’s written back to me!
Foamy: Okay. This cartoon is going to be dedicated to your fan mail. That’s right! I’ve been getting a lot of fan mail, and sometimes I feel the need to respond, in kind, to some of the nifty comments that I receive. So, let’s start with {holding letter} this one. {reading} Dear Foamy: Your last cartoon was disappointing. I think you could do a lot better, blah blah blah. Signed, some shmuck. {speaking} Well, here’s my response. {typing and speaking} Dear asshole: You can go fuck yourself, because I don’t give two shits what you think. If you got shot in the head today by your own mother, I wouldn’t care. I hope you grow up to have many children, and each one of them has his throat slit and have their guts taken out of their own body and smeared down your throat. How do you like that? What I find disappointing is your lack of creative sentence structure within your email. You are a poor example of a human being. Have a nice day, thank you for watching, and please come again. Sincerely yours, your lord and master, Foamy. {speaking, holds next letter} Next letter! {reading} Dear Foamy: Your cartoons are funny, and I like that goth chick. {speaking} Okay, well, it’s a short letter, and I appreciate it nonetheless. {typing and speaking} Dear short letter writer: Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it, and I wish nothing bad on you. Thank you, and please come again. Signed, your lord and master, Foamy. {speaking} Next Letter! {squeals} next letter! Oh yeah! {holding next letter} Okay, let’s see what we’ve got here. {reading} Dear Foamy: Your stories are stupid, I don’t like you, and how come that goth chick in your cartoons is never naked? {speaking} Well... {typing and speaking} Dear cock sucker: You are a complete moron for the following reasons. One, you have no sense of humor. Two, you want to see a person naked who doesn’t even really exist. It’s just a few frames of animation. Are you out of your mind? Are you completely stupid? {eyes grow wider} Are you living in a complete fantasy land where all you want to see is naked cartoons? Are you completely out of your mind? {eyes return to normal size} Signed, sincerely, your lord and master, Foamy the squirrel. {speaking} All right, let's see. {holds letter} This one had better be good. I’m getting sick of this. {reading} Dear Foamy: Let’s see, ya, blah blah blah blah... naked naked... {speaking} Why does everyone want to see this girl naked? Naked, naked, naked, naked, naked, throw out, throw out, {crumples letter and throws off screen} burn, burn, burn, burn, burn... {reading} Dear Foamy: Um, I live in a cave, and I still manage to see your cartoons via the “inter-web” via satellite, through my cell phone, delivered by camel.
{The view cuts to Cave Dweller in a cave.}
Cave Dweller: {points to laptop, voice echoing} This squirrel is so fucking funny!
{The view cuts back to Foamy.}
Foamy: {types and speaks} Dear Cave Dweller: I appreciate that you like my cartoons and hope that you find some suitable habitat to dwell in. Thank you for your letter. Your lord and master, Foamy. {speaks} Ah, all right, you know what? I’m done with this shit. You know, you people and your fan mail. You know I can’t please everybody, man! All right? Just leave me alone!
{The Ending screen appears.}
Cave Dweller: Oh, praise Allah! He’s written back to me!
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